The Unexpurgated Code Read online

  J. P. Donleavy

  The Unexpurgated Code

  A Complete Manual of Survival & Manners

  With drawings by the author

  The Lilliput Press

  Contents

  Title Page

  Social Climbing

  Upon Being Not to the Manner Born

  Useful Rules in Social Climbing

  Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards

  Accent Improvement

  Upon Embellishing Your Background

  Upon Embellishing the Area in Which You Reside

  Upon Choosing Your Residence

  Upon Choosing Your Neighbour

  Upon Your Residence’s Appurtenances

  Upon Refining Your Taste

  Upon Throwing Your First Large Party

  Upon Not Being Socially Registered

  Upon Being Excluded from Who’s Who

  Upon the Sudden Reawakening of Your Sordid Background

  Name Changing

  Ass Kissing and Other Types of Flattery

  On Rubbing Elbows with the Rich

  Associating with the Bootless and Unhorsed

  Knowing When You Have Reached the Top

  Extinctions and Mortalities

  The Final Resting Place

  Upon Being Told the Fatal News That You Have Only So Long to Live and That It Is Not Long

  Dying

  Wills, Legacies, Chattels

  Suicide

  Parting Words, Gestures, Apparel and Conversations

  Execution

  At the Funeral

  Cannibalism

  The Duel

  At the Duelling Site

  Impromptu Combat

  Upon Making the Contract for the Rubout

  Upon Abandoning Ship

  Upon Abandoning the Aircraft

  The Drunken Lout Loose in the Aircraft

  Upon Being Hijacked

  Upon Your Dog Killing Another

  Upon Your Dog Being Killed by Another

  Upon Being a Victim at the Hospital

  Upon Dying of Shame

  Euthanasia

  Posterity

  Vilenesses Various

  Farting

  Bodily Stench

  Bad Breath and Toothpicks

  Other Orifices Ears and Enemas

  Hocking, Spitting and Throat Clearing

  Smoking

  Plate and Knife Licking

  Shaving

  Baldness

  Dentures

  Dandruff

  Promiscuous Pissing

  Pimple and Black Head Squeezing

  Discarded Hairs and Nails

  Solitary Masturbation

  The Vicissitudes of Clap

  Upon Being Clapped Up

  Naming Names of Clapper Uppers

  Upon Confronting the Clapped Up

  Upon Placing the Blame for Venereal Infection

  The Syph

  The Crab Louse

  The Flea

  The Sneaky Doing of the Reprehensible

  In Pursuit of Comfortable Habits

  At the Breast

  In the Cradle

  In Your High Chair

  Upon Throwing Objects Out of Your Perambulator

  Beginning Your Daily Adult Day

  Toilet

  Upon Clothing and Appearances

  Upon Having One’s Ultimate Kit

  Visiting Your Banker

  Visiting Your Bank

  At the Barber

  At the Chiropodist

  The Shoeshine

  At the Porno Show

  At the Massage Parlour

  Upon Saucy Assemblages

  In the Proximity of the Horse

  At the Stud Sale

  At the Races

  Upon Choosing Your Racing Colours

  Upon Entering Your Horse for the Derby

  Polo

  Recreational Amusements

  Gaming

  At the Arena

  The Season

  Reunions

  On Safari

  Upon a Gent Marrying a Lady for Her Money

  At the Club

  Athletic Clubs

  At the Theatre

  Artistic and Literary Circles

  Patronage

  At the Fine Art Auction

  Voyeurism and Other Peeping Toms

  Ecclesiastic Thrill Seeking

  Transvestism

  A Further and Better Particular of a Frisson

  Stripping and Streaking

  Perils and Precautions

  Upon Being Stung on the End of Your Prick by a Bee on a Golf Course

  Dealing with the Insane

  In the Elevator

  Angers

  Upon Coming upon Two Citizens Engaged in a Fight

  Upon Witnessing an Indoor Nuisance Befailing a Lady

  Upon People Walking Straight into Pools and Water Filled Excavations and There Being Immersed Headlong

  Upon Your Spit Landing on Another

  Upon a Fair Fight

  The Mugger

  To Avoid Attack

  Upon Giving Assistance to One Attacked

  As a Pedestrian

  As a Motorist

  Upon Confronting a Burglar

  Upon Encountering Incivilities from Taxi Drivers

  Upon Helping Ladies Too Fat for Taxis to Get in One

  Fat Ladies in Phone Booths

  When the Overwhelming Desire to Goose a Lady Cannot Be Suppressed

  Upon Having without Invitation an Uncontrolled Erection

  Upon Being Exorcised

  When an Undesirable Moves In Next Door

  Suburban Boundaries

  Plumbing

  As a House Guest

  Upon Shortening a Guest’s Stay upon the Country Estate

  Upon Being Required to Work as a Guest

  The Willing ‘Let’s Go Gang’ Guest

  Upon a Commoner Encountering a Member of the Titled Classes

  Upon Being a Member of the Titled Classes

  The Wife’s Disappearance at the Country House Party

  Food Throwers

  Upon Encountering Strange and Suspicious Noises

  Upon Changing Your Sex

  Upon Nude Encounters with Servants

  Upon Being of a Colour in an Area Where Such Colour Is Not Highly Esteemed

  Upon Some Guest’s Kid Abusing Your Chattels

  Upon Suffering Social Descent as a Member of the Gentry to the Lower Classes

  The Au Pair

  Upon Inheriting a Title or Gaining Rank

  Attending the Reading of Wills

  Upon Encountering Massive Windfalls

  Upon Being Sued

  When the World Rats on You

  Upon Inlaws Moving In or Trying to Commandeer Your Property

  Upon Stabbing Folk in the Back

  Upon Doing the Decent Thing in the Face of Many Juicy and Shoddy Alternatives

  Upon Presenting Yourself before an Investigating Committee

  Upon Replying to Interrogation

  Upon Committing Perjury

  Upon Bad Mouthing an Enemy

  Upon Being Published in a Debtors’ Gazette

  Upon the Bailiff or Sheriff Arriving to Possess Goods

  Upon Doing unto Others as They Would So Treacherously Delight to Do unto You

  Upon Being Unflatteringly Dressed in an Emergency

  Upon Letting Your Lawn Grass Grow Long

  Upon Being Made Aware of an Insult to Your Hotel Companion

  Upon Paying the Bill in a Restaurant

  Upon Inducing Folk to Eat Cheap When You Have Invited Them to Dine

  Upon Becoming Sick on or Objecting to a Restaurant’s Food

  Face Lifting and Plastic Surg
ery

  Upon Suing Your Hosts for Injury in Their House

  Mischiefs and Memorabilia

  Upon Being Cuckolded

  Mirrors

  Upon Observing Folk Who Appear So Overly Sure of Themselves

  Facial Expressions

  Displaying Your Medals and Decorations

  Upon Walking into Places as If You Own Them

  Upon Feeling Out of Place

  Upon Folk Putting Their Feet Up on Your Furniture

  Upon Travelling in Space

  Upon Being a Big Shot

  Upon Ennobling Your Noble Spirit

  Upon Being Cultured

  Upon Being Unknown

  Fame and Celebrity

  Upon the Display of Sun Tan

  On Tipping

  Upon Being Snubbed

  When You Are Laughed At

  Upon People’s Attention Wandering as You Talk

  Upon Accepting Prizes Awards and Distinctions

  Upon Contributing Money

  Upon Using People for What They’re Worth

  Upon Living and Let Live

  Upon Heaping Abuse on the High and Mighty

  Upon Being High and Mighty with the Low and Weak Heaping Abuse

  Upon Being a Sportsman

  Upon Accosting Your Trusted Manager or Accountant Who Has Been Cheating You over a Long Number of Years

  Upon Being Puzzled by the Meaning of Life

  Upon the Pointy Two Toned Shoe

  Upon the Light Tan Shoe

  Upon Being Done the Tiniest of Courtesies

  Upon Those Who Lack the Basic Human Decencies

  On Wielding Disparaging and Chastening Terms Various

  Terms of Reference for Disapproved Folk

  Four Letter Words

  The Unforgivable Insult

  Handy Sayings

  Upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult

  In Extra Ordinary Pukka Conversation

  Verbal Invitations

  Trembling Your Lid before Flipping It

  Handshaking

  Bowing

  Upon Introduction

  Name Dropping

  Gatecrashing

  Upon Doing Surreptitious Damage at Your Host’s Party

  Dancing

  The Telephone

  Receiving Letters

  Letter Writing

  Upon Writing the Annual Mimeographed Dear Friends Letter

  Upon Replying to an Unexpurgated Form Letter

  Christmas

  Servants

  On Being a Good Butler

  Upon the Conduct of Business Negotiations

  Upon Being Interviewed

  Upon Hiring a Secretary

  Duties as a Citizen

  Vacating Your Seat on Public Transport

  Upon Glances at Ladies

  How to Prevent People from Detesting You

  Calling Cards

  Living in Your Own Little Enclosed World of Privilege and Liking It a Whole Bunch

  On Taking Free Reads of Newspaper Headlines

  Upon Fouling the Footpath

  Upon Ordering Kit

  Upon Robbing a Bank

  Having Successfully Robbed a Bank

  Philosophy

  Blowing upon Soup

  Upon Opening Your Stately Home to the Public

  Upon the Nearby Arrival of a Flying Saucer

  Wife Beating

  Upon Being to the Manner Born

  When Blackballed from a Club to Which You Have Desperately Tried to Gain Admittance

  Upon Having Your Picture Taken with Famous People

  Hotels

  Upon a Lady Exhibiting a Motion Picture of Her Saucy Antics

  Upon Encountering Happiness

  Upon the Untoward in the Pissoir

  Upon Being Old

  Upon Disappearing

  Upon Exercising a Realistic Thought

  The Psychologist

  Upon Biting the Hand That Feeds You

  Forgiveness

  Upon Expecting Fair Play in High Places

  When Some Supercilious Cunt Asks Is There Anything Wrong

  The Old School Tie

  Charm

  Upon Various Races Venturing Abroad

  Upon Being Down and Out

  Meditation

  Religions

  Caution

  Shabby People

  Shabby Shabby People

  Shabby Shabby Shabby People

  Upon Good Manners Honour and Duty Getting You Absolu tely Nowhere

  Ingredients for Survival

  Epitaph

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Social Climbing

  Upon Being Not to the Manner Born

  When this unpleasant remark is made about you, stand up, making sure your flies are closed and announce in a firm voice.

  ‘To hell with that shit.’

  You may add, with a hint of hurt modesty flavouring the voice.

  ‘I was born, wasn’t I, and that’s enough for me.’

  Of course your opponent’s high pitched riposte will be.

  ‘But sir, that is not enough for us.’

  Sit down and think. A valuable antique chair helps. Cross your legs and pull up your socks. Right away if your socks are white or otherwise bright you are in trouble unless you happen to be in yachting or tennis gear. In these latter equipages you can assume you are not entirely without hope.

  Examine your background. If you really stare it straight in the status it’s surprising the amount of dignity which can be salvaged from the unvarnished truth. Even from the unmitigated wrong side of the tracks or floor of the apartment building, there’s bound to be something that will entitle you to make an effective reply to the lousy remark above. This is why everybody should research around a little in his lineage. Back far enough or out to the side, someone must have been something once.

  For orphans who do not know who their parents were, this is sad but by no means socially fatal, and affords you a fresh start. If you have received a Red Cross Life Saving Certificate, riposte pronto with this information. After their first few ha ha ha’s, your temporarily superior opponents will cringe at your hopeless effort to give an accounting of yourself. And you will really feel rotten. Your crestfallen demeanour, however, will make them clear off. They will not be inviting you to their parties. But you are left with a marvellous incitement to social climb.

  Useful Rules in Social Climbing

  Sketch out and firmly keep in mind your own personal dreams of grandeur in which circumstances you figure you will be when you finally get there. Forthrightly behave as if you had already made it. This will require you to strike various seemingly affected poses and possibly expose you to ridicule, especially in the matter of pretending to descend a grand staircase. It is entirely essential to be indifferent to those who laugh, point and smirk.

  Impose a limit upon the speed at which you socially rise. This makes your ascent more graceful. Plus you do not always find yourself surrounded by a bunch of total strangers which can happen when you’ve sped right by everybody. Also any calm casualness by which you can proceed will recommend you to the discerning eye of other dedicated climbers.

  Until you are firmly socially established, under no circumstances give large parties with fountains of good champagne and chilled marble bowls of caviar nestled on orchid covered tables. Instead indulge yourself semi privately with these extravagant deliciousnesses. When you get a lot of your folk crammed in your house slamming back the goodies, a socially demeaning conspiracy could get going against you as well as firm friendships which depressingly exclude you.

  The smile ranks only after money and ass kissing as the major tool in climbing. It is recommended to smile as often as you can without appearing like a nut. Should someone accost you to say they do not like your smile. Wait. Until you are both on safari. When a lot of suitable ripostes connected with camels will rapidly come to mind and the setting will lend a helpful hand to th
e thrust.

  Be easily amused. This is a socially superior characteristic, only improved upon by being highly amused. But for your own safety it is as well to temper this latter quality by never explosively convulsing with laughter except in the presence of established intimates. If however you are temporarily not easily amused and someone who may be of social advantage has put much effort into the telling of a joke, make every effort possible to remark.

  ‘Hey that’s really rich.’

  The greatest social strides forward are always made by unhesitatingly letting people know straight to their faces how wonderful they are, especially in the matter of their apparel.

  ‘Gee I like the roll on your lapels, I really do.’

  The phrase ‘I really do’ offers reassurance to a guy who is not entirely certain his lapels are not for the birds and thinks you’re spoofing him. Also it provides an air of surprise that you couldn’t help blurting out your feelings. This is helpful when a member of the socially elite is suspicious of you. Small expletives such as ‘gee’, ‘hey’ and ‘boy o boy’ can always help make your remarks endearingly credible. When they might otherwise come dangerously close to gross insult. As happens when these small expletives are repeated more than once.

  Don’t look back. The faces are not nice to see. Your ascent will cause those whom you have left behind, below and under, to suffer a personality corrosion which will etch upon them looks of deeply grieved resentment.

  Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards

  Seek out the spectacularly pukka. These chaps are found in the most likely places and are easily recognized, attired as they usually are at ten a.m. in horse riding kit. Making their acquaintance can be a long time ordeal, occasioning frequent disillusionment, as more than likely on first contact they want to avoid you. Steel yourself against this.

  Areas well known for social upward velocities will also be rife with folk running out of their minds frisson hunting in every direction. You can get yourself entangled with the most god awful non entities. Seize it as an opportunity to practise not letting your jaw drop when encountering persons of no account. This is helpful when you finally happen upon the spectacular pukka who is temporarily amusing himself by pretending a much lower social status. Often his signet ring and footwear is a dead give away. Train yourself to recognise these as well as the tell tale old ducks and partly stained but clean tee shirt. He’ll be drinking a beer and relishing the opportunity of being away from household servants and estate workers. And remember, as he is taking time off from the corporation board room where he presides as chairman, the last thing he can stand is a stuffed shirt. But he will welcome the company of a real down to earth regular guy.